takut

Aku selalu takut meminta tolong ke oramg lain

Takut ditolak

Takut dikatain

Takuy merepotkan

Takut

Takut

Takut

staying in friend home

I was staying at my friend' house yesterday.

This happen cuz i said to my friend that teacher suggest me to staying in friend house to do my paper

And there i feel so miserable

First, when we almost arrive, it was raining so hard, the street was flooding so our vehicle can't pass.

We wet, hungry, tired and trapped between the water 😭

Second

I got no internet data-

I feel so agitated 😭😭

Being poor is miserable

Anyway it was still fun with all gossip and- i mean doing the paper 😉

I will staying again at Thursday till Saturday~

BBW

Lol

How could it stil 2nd December but i post something at 1st December yet it was yesterday that i was going to BBW??

A anyway i want to share my experience yesterday. 

I was going Big Bad Wolf book bazaar with lil bro. So many people, so many books

It was fun. Lil bro were inspecting soo many book and searching naruto manga, but we dont find it, cuz BBW is not selling it, but instead there are a lot DCcomics and marvel books.

Then we seeing child book. he still energetic and i was tired already. We keep strolling around kids book but he dont wat to buy any of them cause he said its too expensive :(

I want to but him Story of 25 Phophet and Rosul but it kinda expensive (125k) and i dont have a lot of money so we dont buy it..

I was kinda sad tho..

And then after that we goinf phipo and buy drinks cuz there are telkomsel festival and we can get 5k discount for exchanging point, so it was kinda benefit <3

We sit and enjoy our drink and after that going to our last stop and that is mari cuz i promise lil bro to show him naruto manga that he cant find in BBW.

We went to gramedia, and going to manga shelf and he avtually what he search was Boruto manga xD we only found the 4th volume in there tho

Last, we going home together

Pretty happy but kinda sad

I was buying books and i dont confident enough that i could finished it :(

And i dont even get any discount 

you know

You know

I just feel like.. Giving up

Death seems taste sweet

I undergo so much emotion today, maybe because of PMS too

At some point i feel so happy after reading good story but when i reflected it to myself, i feel like those kind of happiness are unreachable for me thus i feel sad and suicidal thought are climbing up again

Am i bipolar or something? I dont think so

But this kind of extreme moodswing really hurts me 

Btw i got depressed again because i realize that myself is not suit to stay alive. Like natural selection, i believe that i will disappear soon cause i dont suit to stay alive.

I got to know a lot of strong people. They are normal human, they feel a lot of emotion, sad and frustate, yet they still do their best to pass their challenge

They sad, they cry, they fall and crush but they still try to stand.

To pass what test that keep crushing them.

It amazing. I amazed by their tenacity

Something that i don't have. 

Okay, i use to have it. But i lost it.

I sad, i cry, i was crushed, but i can't stand. Why am I so weak and useless?

I just cant do it. I don't know. I can't.

It hurts. They hurting too, but they can stand. 

And I ? Just crying and crying and doing nothing and pitying myself and becoming so useless.

I just can defined me as useless.

I undergo so much emotions today

Dopamine are not permanent.

Cortisol is

allergic symptom?

I don't know

I think i have allergic reaction in.. Spendinf money

I feel agitated, nausea, especially when i spending money too much

I want to stop this spending habit of mine

How can i say no?

Please tell me

15 11 19

There are no fun thing that happen today.


Hmm i guess there is.

Wait

Lemme take an ss and pic

Hehe

I will do my Paper test in tuesday

I don't know if i could do it or not tho

11 11 19

I made milo in the morning

It taste bitter 

But when i drank it again in the day

It's salty


I saw someone cry in pete"
She hide herself behind her backpack
But i could see that she was crying
She don't know why she was crying
It was nothing big that could be crying for
Yet she still cry
She remind herself of the beach to calm her mind
She creep her nails to her hand so she can bear the pain

Yet her tears keep falling



She feels like to just end it all

She feels like she just can't do it anymore

But as the time pass, when her mind was clear already, she will try to face it again

Today spending 
58K for food and transportation
(Pocky33K, Cfc 3K, BK 12K, PT"(10K)